WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans announced they would use American tax dollars to build new schools when the buildings could be dropped on people and explode. Republicans were unwilling to even discuss funding the construction of any new schools until they could meet the needs of perpetual war.

LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) announced the "good guy with a gun" who was supposed to be protecting a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana had the day off. The NRA explained how Jim-Bob Turner requested Thursday, July 23rd off two weeks in advance, but due to a "scheduling oversight" forgot to have his shift covered by another "good guy with a gun" at the theater where two people were killed by a "bad guy with a gun."

KENYA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta rejected President Obama's assertion "gays are people and deserve equal human rights, not government endorsement and enforcement of intolerant religious-based laws against them." Kenyatta assured the world he was deeply honored to be Obama's host during his visit to Kenya, but claimed "Kenya does not need advice on what to do with its much-hated social deviant homosexual population."

Sandusky calls prison "Way better than I expected." FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last two years was no longer in remission, he told his parents that his last wish was to experience what so many healthy boys his age…

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and autocratic billionaire Donald Trump announced anyone who wanted to attend his rallies would need to take an oath of loyalty to him, and either show guards what he called a "Trump Obedience Tattoo" or be willing to get such a tattoo on the spot. Trump explained the new policies were the result of protesters ruining the atmosphere at numerous rallies, and asserted he was "hugely proud" of the obedience tattoo design with its two lightning bolts.

Gun safety tips of questionable integrity.

Television personality Mario Lopez's recent meeting with Dick Cheney may have led authorities to him.

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) refused to heed calls for his resignation today, and blamed Texas voters for electing "a criminal, a hypocrite, and a man of such low moral character" to be their state's chief enforcer of the law. On Monday, Paxton was indicted on three felony counts related to securities law violations that allegedly took place when he was a lawyer and state legislator, and he failed to disclose to investors in a tech company he was profiting from their investments.

Can you speak up? I have shit in my ears. MARYVILLE, Arkansas—GOP presidential hopeful and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee visited Miss Cynthia Parker’s first grade art class at Maryville Elementary School today, where he reportedly left the entire class in awe when he displayed his own impressive artistic talent by drawing a remarkably detailed…

DES MOINES, Iowa (The Adobo Chronicles® ) -  After weeks of campaigning and not getting anywhere close to the large crowds that have marked rival Bernie Sanders' political stomps, Democratic presidential candidate Hilly Clinton is finally conceding. Sanders has been attracting crowds of up to 20,000 in his campaign appearances while Clinton has mostly focused on…

ATLANTA, Georgia (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - CNN was in full standby mode last weekend, with camera crews and news anchors ready to hit the airwaves at the first sign of violence  on opening night of the movie, "Straight Outta Compton." The film tells the story of the group N.W.A., a group from Compton, California that…

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, Former President George W. Bush ignored Republican pleas to pretend he didn't exist and publicly endorsed his brother Jeb for the Republican presidential nomination. The former president gave a press conference from his Crawford, Texas ranch and urged Americans to support Jeb, because "he is a good doobie who will be just like me."

“Her questions about immigration reform were out of line,” Rubio said. “I was standing my ground, per accepted Florida law. She had it coming.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® ) -  Yesterday, we reported that the National Zoo's female giant panda, Mei Xiang, gave birth to a cub, which Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump called an "anchor baby." It turns out that Mei Xiang gave birth to twin cubs a few hours apart, so now Trump has two panda  cubs…

Manned by an all gay crew, the USS Tennessee Williams is a Virginia-class attack submarine capable of shooting missiles and all sorts of stuff, its Captain Marcelo McGary says.

Ponte Vedra Beach, FL – PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem is well liked by players and has helped to create more and more millionaires.  Finchem is looking to take the game of golf to new heights and knows there are some significant hurdles in his way.

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush will visit New Orleans to celebrate the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and his administration's awe-inspiring response to the devastating storm. President Bush announced his brother Jeb Bush - a Republican presidential candidate and the former Governor of Florida - would be standing next to him during what they both called "a victory lap."

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

Association of International Frog Worshippers Best Aquarius Prediction, March 2014
Dial-Up Fastest Horoscope Download of the Year, 1994
The Humble John McCain Fellowship Best Prediction Involving Soup In A Horoscope, May 2015

SALISBURY, North Carolina (The Adobo Chronicles®) — The band Survivor has filed a $1.2 million lawsuit against Kim Davis and Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee over the unauthorized use of its hit song “Eye of the Tiger." Davis, the Rowan County clerk who was jailed after refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was released Tuesday morning, after serving…

Air Force One at the Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, CA has been replaced by Donald Trump's private helicopter as the background for the CNN GOP debate. Reports are still coming in, however, word is that Trump purchased the retired Air Force One shortly before the debate and will re-wrap it in Viva Trump decals and park it along the California-Mexico border.