Headlines - 07/29/2010
The Texas Cockroach
Local Teen Believes He Can Hook Up With Lindsay Lohan
The Texas Cockroach is a satirical newspaper from the mythical small town of LaCucaracha, Texas. In LaCucaracha, football is king, and citizens have a choice of 137 churches. The Texas Cockroach parodies the unique culture, lifestyle and politics found nowhere else but Texas. Pour yourself a tall glass of iced tea, sit back, and take a virtual stroll through the streets of LaCucaracha. God Bless Texas.
CAP News
Judge Rules Air Guitar "Not Real Music"
Air guitarists say they plan to appeal the ruling and say they have the support of their colleagues in the desk drummers and dashboard keyboardists associations.
News Mutiny
Gun Safety Tips for Real Americans
For instance - be sure to conceal your gun where your children would never find it - for instance in a shoe box on the top shelf of your closet with your porn.
Headlines - 07/28/2010
Dotpenn
Strip Club Enthusiast Wants Fed to Print More Dollar Bills
Ernie J. Jackson, Sr., of Altoona, is the city's leading expert on U.S. monetary policy and a firm believer in the Federal Reserve Board's recent effort to print more dollar bills.
As one of the city's major supporters of exotic dancers and sometimes just plain weird dancers, Jackson said the cheap dollar policy of the Fed keeps more dollars in circulation, especially in garter belts and g-strings.
"I'm all for the Fed printing more dollar bills," said Jackson, as he carefully creases a stack of dollar bills lying on the table in front of him. "It's just sound economic policy in the strip joint."
Jackson said he doubts that increasing the number of dollars will lead to higher prices and a stagnant economy. In fact, Jackson said the unique position of the dollar as the default currency in strip joints makes the cheap dollar even more attractive.
The Sleaze
Porn to be Wild
Has Top Pornographer Discovered Entirely New Sexual Position? Believes That Newly Discovered Technique Will Revitalise Adult Industry Dominated by Extreme Sex as Customers Grow Bored With Conventional Porn!
DERF Magazine
Community sick of boy boasting about 911 call that saved Mom’s life
FRANKLIN, MO - After his mother went into a diabetic seizure, four-year-old Adam Schiff miraculously placed a call to 911, alerting emergency crews that saved her life. Adam received accolades and congratulations after the event, resulting in constant boasting and insufferable behavior.
Headlines - 07/27/2010
DERF Magazine
STUDY: 91% of blogger avatars too flattering
NEW YORK, NY - In the most comprehensive study of its kind, an independent research panel has concluded that 91% of bloggers use avatars that are excessively more attractive than themselves.
News Mutiny
Is Mount Rushmore Being "Muslim-ified"?
Right wing conspiracy theorists are pointing at what they call "deliberate, surreptitious alterations" to Mount Rushmore as evidence that the Obama administration is a pro-Islamic puppet regime bent on turning America Muslim.
Headlines - 07/26/2010
DERF Magazine
Reality TV surprise: Ochocinco engaged to Flavor Flav
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a move that has shocked the television viewing public, Chad Ochocinco has proposed to rapper Flavor Flav. The engagement occurred during filming of Chad’s VH-1 series, ‘The Ultimate Catch.’
Headlines - 07/25/2010
The World's Voice of Reason
Exclusive: Secrets for Libra this July
Running Benny Hill style and slapping bald headed old men on the head is well starred this month, especially if you are the old man with the bald head.
Bongo News
BP Plan to Drill Off Libya Seen as British Plan to Destroy Libya's Tourism
The intelligence community believes that having BP drill for oil off the coast of Libya is a British plan to destroy Libya’s tourist industry which has drawn tourists from all over the world and begun to end Libya’s isolation. Libya’s Roman ruins “won’t look so inviting once they’re covered in oil,” said a British secret service agent.
Headlines - 07/24/2010
TheSkunk.org
Obama sets timetable for War on Poverty
WASHINGTON — Declaring that the United States will not commit itself to another unending, unwinnable conflict, President Obama today called for a complete withdrawal from the War on Poverty within 18 months.
The World's Voice of Reason
Virgo Tips and Tricks for July
Sweeping, glamorous, deep blue sea, palm trees swaying in a light breeze with not a cloud in the sky scenes will either induce feelings of 'gotta get away from this office job', or send you to sleep this month, depending on which anxiety dvd course the planets have got you on.
Headlines - 07/23/2010
Can't You Get Along With Anybody?
And Just In Time, Too
The acquisition of the makers of Durex condoms yields pleasurable results.
DERF Magazine
Area couple admits love for son peaked in ’08
MASON, OH - Rhonda and Simon Potter have finally admitted that their love for their twelve year old son David reached its peak two years ago. The couple also expects future love for their son to steadily diminish.
Headlines - 07/22/2010
DERF Magazine
King James decides to split self into six equal parts
CLEVELAND, OH - After much soul searching, King LeBron James of Cleveland has decided to appease all six NBA teams seeking his presence by severing himself into six equal parts. The six parts will then reign in Cleveland, Chicago, Miami, New York, New Jersey, and Los Angeles.
Dailyfortnight
BP Deny Responsibility for 9/11
The head of embattled oil company BP has denied allegations that he and other company officials lobbied for the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in 2001.
News Mutiny
US Government Introduces "No-Sex List"
The US government announced today the creation of a "No Sex List" designed to prevent people whose potential to reproduce is deemed a threat to the future well-being of the country.
Can't You Get Along With Anybody?
Flying The Friendly Skies
Do not mess with the flight attendants on United Airlines. They will cut a person.
Headlines - 07/21/2010
CAP News
Mel Gibson To Release Tapes As Box Set
Mel and Time Life have teamed up for "Mel Gibson: Unhinged" which contains over six hours of pure, unadulterated emotion - uncut, uncensored, and unbelievable.
Dailyfortnight
Miserable Man to Spend Rest of Eternity in Hull
After giving up on education at the age of 16 and "pissing around" in his twenties, British resident Ian Foulkes has been cursed to spend the rest of eternity rotting away in the lowest depths of Hull. The 31-year-old, who was raised in Scarborough, will forever continue showing up to his miserable job on the outskirts of the city, where he works as a bus driver and will perpetually return home to his ill-tempered wife Gemma.
DERF Magazine
Entire Colombian soccer team made of cocaine
JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – As the Colombian soccer team attempted to depart from the World Cup festivities in South Africa this week, drug sniffing dogs alerted authorities to the presence of drugs. After detaining and searching the team, authorities eventually discovered all team members were actually high tech robotic devices completely encased in cocaine.
Headlines - 07/20/2010
CAP News
Bristol Palin Dumps Levi For Old Spice Guy
Bristol's impression that the Old Spice Guy had feelings for her resulted from her misinterpretation of his recent video seemingly made just for Bristol herself.
DERF Magazine
Apple Inc. offers hand surgery to owners of iPhones with antenna problems
CUPERTINO, CA – After Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the company has developed a surgical procedure that removes the part of the hand that interferes with the iPhone antenna. The hands of iPhone owners who receive the surgery will have a permanent hole dubbed by industry followers as the “Hantenna”. During the press conference, Jobs received robust applause as he displayed the hole in his left hand and demonstrated perfect phone reception.
TheSkunk.org
Jesus’ suicide note unearthed
JERUSALEM — New archaeological evidence uncovered over the weekend suggests that Jesus was not sentenced to crucifixion by the Roman Empire as previously believed, but that he committed suicide by nailing his own wrists to the cross.
Dailyfortnight
God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies
The world's people are apparently becoming increasingly concerned upon news that Almight God - their supreme creator - is getting a little too into disaster movies for their liking.
