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AWARDS

Handy Andy's Horoscope Of The Year 2008, Drills Division

Dam Fangled Internet's Best Darn Tootin Yeeeharoscope, Capricorn, February 2009

Tree Surgeons Most Read Horoscope 2008

Bananas And Pineapple Lovers Favored Horoscope, March 2009

Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who is conducting a full-scale review of government policy on homosexuals in the military, says he is finalizing plans to form an all-gay division in the U.S. Army...

After changing his mind over the purchase of Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo for a record breaking �80m, Real Madrid's President, Florentino Perez, was thwarted in an attempt to get a full refund for the player after losing the receipt.

With advertising rates down and subscription revenue plummeting, several newspapers are pondering a move to offer content that is actually true, free of bias, and fair. The plans would require readers to pay for the extra truth.

The New York Times is leading the way with its new "Pay Per Truth" (PPT) program.

Under the program, readers can read current content that is slanted and distorted. For extra money, these same readers can access an article that offers facts and presents points-of-view from both sides.

Reid Page / 13 O'Clock News

Jan, these past few months have been incredible. You are an amazing woman, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have someone like you in my life. I know that in the beginning I said we should move slowly, but I am ready to throw all caution to the wind and take the next logical step... I want to Skype with you.

Unlike her usual buzzword-laced, rambling, nonsensical tirade, Sarah Palin recently completed an interview with Runner's World magazine in which she came across as a completely competent human being.

The findings were enough to make you wonder what Donaldson, who sat to your right throughout the meeting, was thinking about during the presentation of the quick rise and fall of company profits.

"We were screwing each other, over and over again," Sanford said tearfully at a press conference.

Israel Airlines say that a rebellious and unruly aircraft has been "grounded indefinitely" after refusing to improve its increasingly appalling altitude...

Mindlessly pressing buttons... but what happens when the buttons change?

The South Carolina Governor cops to more close encounters of the turd kind.

"We were just discussing the beauty of nature," insists Governor Stud.

Bizarre 'Cardinals' Plot' to Replace Warmongering Pontiff with Revived Corpse of Pope John XXII

There were red faces in Channel Four towers today after a BB contestant was found dead in his bed after a massive heart attack.

A troop of monkeys working around the clock at the prestigious Smegmadale Institute of Advanced Numptynomics for the UK’s moronic Oldham Council have come up with their most stupid idea since the last stupid idea. Inspired by the latest EU guidelines on sheeple control and how to make the common or garden landless peasants sit up and beg – and say ‘Woof’...

"It's tough being a child molester," Lester told me in an exclusive jailhouse interview, "but Michael Jackson gave us hope."

Thousands of you got the right answer so we put each correct name on a tennis ball and tried to serve them over the net and then took all the balls that went in the net and selected one ball at random. The winner was Jack and Amy Stonehouse of Harare, Zimbabwe who win a rare picture of Andy Murray smiling.

Whatever happened to the more traditional gift of "leather chaps."

An investigation into what exactly caused Michael Jackson, a once adorable 5-year-old child from Gary, Indiana, to embark on a sudden and fatal career has found that his entire life's work may have been caused by prescription and recreational drugs...

The two camps had planned separate demonstrations to protest the film's release, but wound up joining forces when they both showed up on the same corner.

After years of yelling at audiences while sporting a beard so perfect it seemed impossible, pitchman Billy Mays was overcome by death on Sunday...or so it would seem.

Thriller part 2.

A rumination on post-masturbatory guilt

Satirists gathered outside the gates of Neverland to mourn the passing of one of their favorite targets--Michael Jackson.

Jackson, a singer, songwriter, dancer, and train wreck, moon-walked his way into the hearts of hundreds of comics and then into their punchlines. His fascination with young children, monkeys, isolation chambers, Boris Karloff, Elizabeth Taylor, Peter Pan, Disney-Europe, middle eastern countries that ironically have harsher penalties for pederasty, and non-sexual reproduction turned into some of the funniest satire headlines of the late 20th century.

"I got through the 1990s with Wacko Jacko stories," said a sobbing Kurt Van Pelt, an Onion writer. "I don't know how I'll get on without him."

The UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is due to issue a Budget statement from his Number 11 Downing Street bunker revealing that the severity of the economic downturn and ensuing recession is likely to be as severe as the one caused by the last Ice Age.