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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Headlines - 07/24/2014

Iron E-News

The undead bring much needed life to the Hill. #obama #satire #humor

The World's Voice of Reason

Europe today agreed new sanctions against Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia.

They are to include:

1) No new statues of Vladimir Putin

2) Russian hats to be removed from all European gift shops 'forthwith', not 'immediately' as earlier planned

The Newsosphere

“They’re not mentioned in the Bible, therefore they don’t exist, therefore why bother?” said Ham. “And if they did exist, they would probably be immigrant homosexuals, so they’re on the fast track to hell!”

The Red Shtick

In a bid to claim the title of “World's most egotistical dad,” Jeremiah Heaton planted a flag on some godforsaken corner of the world so his daughter could become a “princess.”

Satire and Comment

Yeah, Granny's Tattoo Is Not Looking So Good

Glossy News

We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.

The Adobo Chronicles

Rick Perry is taking a leave of absence as governor of Texas to volunteer as a patrol officer along the U.S.- Mexico border.

mouthfrog

Finally a unique dieting option that we can enjoy without having to eat cardboard...

NewsBiscuit

Each summer they have returned to the turf of Wembley Stadium to commemorate the heroes who gave so much for so many, and reminisce about the day that became etched on our collective consciousness for so many decades.

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