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Procrastination Not Covered Under Affordable Care Act

According to most psychologists, the underlying causes of procrastination are largely mental, and as such, are not covered under most major medical insurance or even standard health insurance policies. Unless, of course, you can prove that the procrastination caused a stress-related illness, such as a severe case of hives or even a nervous tic.

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Report Confirms Fingers All You Need to Type on Keyboard

The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him.

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Scientists Hard At Work Creating Monologues for New Lab-Grown Vaginas

With the advent of the first-ever vagina created in a lab, scientists are working around the clock to write appropriate monologues for the high-tech body part. One scientist on the project admitted, 'I didn't go into science to engage in creative writing, but my colleagues and I feel it is incumbent upon us to provide women who receive our synthetic vagina the same quality of monologues that other women enjoy.'

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NFL Star's Deal Inspires New York Jock Exchange

According to the Associated Press, Fantex plans to conduct an initial public offering of stock (Wall Street wheeler-dealers call this an IPO) after getting regulatory approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission, selling some 421,100 shares of stock at $10 apiece.

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Why Men Take So Long To Tie Our Own Shoes

Though I'm pretty confident with my skill to tie my shoes, at a brisk pace, I understand there are other places in the home where I might look around helplessly, stunned, as if someone asked me to quickly calculate the area under the curve of the Liberty Bell, whereas I've only been asked to locate the large, white, gallon milk jug in the refrigerator.

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Headlines - 04/18/2014

Humor Times

Munchhausen sees no reason to patent his idea or even produce the snacks himself, since his favorite snack company has already perfected a system whereby cheese puff snacks can be randomly formed in the shape of dinosaurs.

Reidicule News

“I’m not sure how ‘Google’ counts as an appropriate essay answer, but I guess it’s like Shakespeare’s Polonius said, ‘Brevity is the soul of wit.’ “ – Frank Gimley, Proctor

Wear Your Cape

Ready and willing to give it his all.

The Adobo Chronicles

ABC Television Network has announced the hosts of the 18th season of the daytime television talk show ‘The View,’ and only Elisabeth Hasselbeck is staying on.

The announcement came as the show’s producer Barbara Walters prepares to retire on May 16. Part of the farewell week is the appearance on May 15 of all the 11 current and past co-hosts of the show.

“No one can really fill the shoes of Ms. Walters but we believe that we have assembled a powercast of some of the most intelligent, eloquent and knowledgeable women in this country,” said Paul Lee, ABC Network Entertainment Group president.

NewsBiscuit

Experts at the University of Celebrity Studies say they have discovered a rare human phenomenon that could see Simon Cowell vanish from our screens and engulfed by his own underpants within the next 10 years, possibly sooner.

The World's Voice of Reason

"Never trust a man who's initials are GRR."

Iron E-News

Already the proud father of many children, Romney's money will also get the love and attention it so desperately needs.

Broken World News

Heisman Trophy-winning QB Johnny Manziel has fled to Canada seeking asylum after hearing he may be drafted into the NFL. #JohnnyFootball #JohnnyManziel #NFL #TAM

The Red Shtick

An 18-month-long Pennington Biomedical Research Center clinical trial concludes that Louisiana is a bunch of disgusting, overweight pigs.

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