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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Headlines - 07/29/2014

NewsBiscuit

When Clive Barnes of Barnes & Snodgrass Loss Adjusters turned up unannounced at the Costa del Sol villa of his former colleague Trevor Clark his wife Angie knew what it meant.

mouthfrog

Royalty growing up before our very eyes. This truly is the generation of ALL generations.

The Adobo Chronicles

One hundred parents are auing the Philippine government over this historic title on behalf of their newly-borns.

Humor Times

Justin Bieber has been sentenced to two years' probation and fined $80,900 in damages. Those must have been some VERY hard-boiled eggs! By John Glynn, Humor Times.

The Newsosphere

“It’s my channel, but it’s for you, funded by you,” says the online announcement. “It’s like Oprah, but without all that pesky reality!”

Glossy News

The peace offering, which was intended to be cloned breadsticks from the extinct restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, have not lived up to the standards Kim Jong-un was accustomed to when he last visited the United States in 2010.

The Red Shtick

I hope the people with song credits to this terrible piece of musical drivel contract scurvy. I fart in their general direction.

The World's Voice of Reason

"After watching these I feel like I have my warm kangaroo onesie on but I don't."

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