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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Headlines - 09/23/2014

The Red Shtick

The family of Joan Rivers invoked Texas Gov. Rick Perry's very being while defending a woman's right to unfettered access to legal, safe abortions.

The RapReport

Forget everything you thought you knew about coffee. Here are six sizzling cups of joe that will be sure to make you think twice before taking your next sip.

mouthfrog

Ariana Grande continues to hold up a deal that would stop ISIS from beheading people on national TV. John Kerry on the job so please don't worry. He builds bridges.

Humor Times

Mejia, a librarian, assumed that that the car's Vatican diplomatic plates would protect him from any scrutiny or suspicion. By John Glynn, Humor Times.

The World's Voice of Reason

Jessie Krufts, Movie Trailer Voice Over Wannabe "In a world where Disney meets The Sopranos..."

CAP News

Critics attacked Biden's choice of vocabulary, noting that retards are now called sped kids, although they do still ride the short bus and sometimes wear helmets.

The Adobo Chronicles

If confirmed by the Senate, Lin will become the youngest U.S. ambassador in American history.

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