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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Headlines - 08/23/2014

The Red Shtick

Garth Brooks emerged from the safe house he entered nearly a decade and a half ago in anticipation of the technology Armageddon of Y2K.

The World's Voice of Reason

"I would have magic-ed it into the officer's top pocket and then citizen arrested his ass."

The Adobo Chronicles

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has taken the U.S. by storm, and in style.

Bill Gates built his own backyard rope and pulley mechanism to douse himself with a bucket of ice. LeBron James took the challenge aboard a yacht. Lady Gaga used a pure silver bucket in place of plastic.

Now, the runaway social media campaign originally intended to create greater ALS awareness and raise money for ALS research has crossed the Pacific and has made landfall in the Philippines.

Random Perspective

Jenny is frustrated by Russell's lack of logical reasoning.

mouthfrog

To quote the metal rockers Metallica, 'Sad But True.'

The Dandy Goat

“We’d seen the news stories about authorities clamping down on things like lemonade stands, but we didn’t really think it could happen here,” said the 35-year-old homemaker, speaking from the rubble of the family’s home in Holdrege, Nebraska.

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