“It seems to me that this secret ballot nonsense is just another extreme left plot to rig the ballot,” opines Herb Tuckler, an official Trump campaign ballot observer at his local polling station in Fuckle County, Tennessee during early voting for the forthcoming Presidential election. “I mean, why do people have to be so secretive about their voting? I’m proud of voting Trump and I don’t care who knows it, but these damn leftists, they don’t seem to want anybody to know tat they’re voting for Biden. Which they should be.” The fifty four year old welder’s mate went on to suggest to TV reporters that the reason for the left’s attachment to secret ballots had less to do with democratic values than it did with ballot tampering. “If no one can see them voting, then nobody knows what they are up to in that voting booth,” he speculates. “They could be adding extra names to the ballot and voting for them – along with all those corrupt mail in ballots they are printing, that’s how we’re going to wake up the day after the election with a Maoist in the White House!” Tuckler – who has already been ejected from the polling station twice for attempting to stand over voters to check they were ‘voting fairly’ – is currently lobbying President Trump to ban secret ballots before election day. “It’s not too late for him to take action,” he says. “It isn’t as if there’ll be much opposition, except from those Black Lives Matter and Antifa Marxist terrorists – and traitors like them shouldn’t be allowed to vote, secretly or otherwise, in the first place! Everyone arriving to vote should be made to swear an oath to prove their patriotism before they are allowed in!”

Tuckler’s comments have been taken as further evidence of the contempt that Trump and his followers have for the democratic process. “While accusing their opponents of undermining democracy through unfounded attacks on mail in voting and even the secret ballot itself, they themselves are actually destroying the democratic process by trying to prevent people from voting,” says investigative journalist Bob Frigg. “Because that’s their biggest fear – if people do vote, they might vote the wrong way and kick them off of the White House gravy train.” Frigg’s implication that Trump and his associates have used their time in power in order to financially enrich themselves has been hotly contested by Trump supporters. “That’s just so much horse shit!” Tuckler told reporters, as the local Sheriff’s department arrived at the polling station in response to complaints of voter harassment. “I mean, everybody likes to go on about how Trump is billionaire, but when he released his tax returns, all they could do was go on about how he was broke! As if that’s a bad thing! Not only does it show that he hasn’t been stealing from the tax payers, but it makes it all the more impressive that he managed to win the presidency with no money!”

Frigg’s latest article, however, claims to reveal what has really happened to Trump’s millions, in the process uncovering a conspiracy of staggering proportions. “His money has been spent in a desperate last roll of the dice stratagem to try to retain power by scaring America into voting for him,” says the reporter of his article, published this week in the Milwaukee Independent Beer Review. “The fact is that it is Trump who has been financing both Black Lives Matter and Antifa protests in order to create an atmosphere of violence, confrontation and fear in communities across the US!” While acknowledging that his claims might seem fantastic, Frigg asserts that there really has been a concerted campaign by Trump to both destabilise US society and discredit the left. “What better way to discredit the forces opposing him than by making it appear that they are actually, physically, attacking the American people,” he argues. “Night after night, the average US voter is seeing American cities in flames and the police attacked, apparently by black people and left-wing radicals!”

The journalist is keen to point out that Trump didn’t actually create either Black Lives Matter and Antifa, he has simply used them as a front for the violent activities of his own operatives. “He’s had them infiltrated by agitators who turn what start as legitimate peaceful protests into violent riots,” he says, adding that police departments frequently collude with the agitators, by themselves aggressively policing events in order to provoke confrontations which can be used by agitators to ‘justify’ violent responses. “Look, the reality is that only six months ago Antifa was just half a dozen guys in a coffee shop in Seattle talking about spraying anti-Trump graffiti on the walls of the local police station. Thanks to Trump’s agitators appropriating their name, they are apparently now the biggest ever domestic threat to the US. Not only that, but this strategy also helps vallidate fascism: if Antifa is bad then, according to Trump supporter logic, whatever it opposes must be good.” An added bonus for the Trump camp is that the manufactured Antifa threat has mobilised right-wing extremists in support of the president. “Now he has every gun-toting brain dead redneck in creation getting out on the streets intimidating anyone they suspect of being anti-Trump,” Frigg believes. “Best of all -he doesn’t have to pay this private army a penny – they are happy to act like assholes for free!”

Herb Tuckler, in common with other hardcore Trump supporters, dismisses Frigg’s article as a ‘crazy conspiracy theory’. “Next thing you know, he and his extreme left friends will be claiming that the President is connected to some kind of network of high profile wealthy peadophiles operating from a pizza restaurant,” he scoffs. “Why on earth would Donald Trump need to organise his own agitators and private militia when every right-thinking law enforcement officer in the US is loyal to him and his democratic vision?” Indeed, even as Tuckler spoke to the press, Deputies were busy taking away the polling station tellers in handcuffs after the Republican Fuckle County Sheriff had decided that they had been impeding lawful attempts by an authorised party to validate the fairness of the ballot by observing voters close up. When pressed on whether he actually had any facts or evidence to back up his claims, Frigg merely chuckled. “Hey, this is Trump’s America,” he says. “If we’ve learned one thing in the last few years it is that mere facts are simply insufficient to define the truth– they just aren’t exciting enough for the internet age. Nowadays, all you have to do is to keep repeating something until people believe it is true – if it has worked for them, why shouldn’t it work for us?”