LANDOVER, Maryland–Dr. Theodore Jennings, a behavioral psychology researcher at the King-White Institute, has authored a report showing that sustained, dehumanizing childhood bullying is still the best and most effective way to unleash telekinetic abilities in children.

“In spite of years of lab studies in which researchers have attempted to utilize logic games and puzzles to tap into these amazing abilities, at the end of the day the only consistent results we get come after a subject is verbally assaulted with hate-filled taunts,” Dr. Jennings states.

Jennings’ report concludes that specific topics, especially sexual orientation, religious beliefs, and racial background, are particularly effective targets to focus on when attempting to unlock these frightening abilities.

“A suggestion that one enthusiastically performs fellatio on his or her own father has come to be regarded as the single-most effective taunt for eliciting violent supernatural outbursts from traumatized children,” Jennings notes, “It serves almost as a skeleton key for tapping into these horrifying telekinetic powers.”

Jennings says these findings may help shed light on all-too-common occurrences such as condescending headmasters who suddenly and inexplicably choke to death while dealing a stern lecture, perfectly healthy pre-teen beauty queens who suffer fatal brain aneurysms while mimicking a stutter, and entire crowded gymnasiums that suddenly explode in fiery embers.