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A mass shooting that began outside a music festival in Dallas combined with another mass shooting at a nearby graduation party last night, resulting in a 'super-mass shooting' that left at least 200 people dead, authorities report.
































































 
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Inspired by the groundswell of support shown for the town of Uvalde, Texas in the wake of last week's mass shooting, the National Rifle Association announced today that it will fund a trip for the attack's survivors to visit Hurricane Harbor Water Park in Arlington.
































































 
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You might have noticed that prices on everything from gas for your LeBaron to cat food for your grandma have been going up recently. This is due to something called 'inflation'; and while the causes of inflation are much too complicated for you to understand, fighting it with some mostly useless money saving ideas is not. The following are a handful of tips that could slow your family's inexorable descent into financial ruin:

Two weeks after a draft to overturn Roe v. Wade was made public, the Supreme Court is on the verge of also overturning Rape v. Lady, another leak has revealed.
































































 
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As a proud mother of a child conceived from unconsensual sex with my father, I whole-heartedly support the restrictions repealing Roe vs. Wade would have on other women who might otherwise abort their own incestuous rape babies.
































































 
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Desperate to get their children offline and outdoors, many parents struggling to keep up with soaring inflation are looking to lower cost summer labor camps for their kids this year.































































 
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8 years since having annexed a disputed territory and 2 months after invading a neighboring country, Vladimir Putin completed his transformation into Adolf Hitler this week by developing Parkinson's Disease.
































































 
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One day after rejecting from state classrooms dozens of math books on the grounds they contain leftist propaganda, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis went one step further this morning by banning the teaching of math altogether.































































 
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Just over seven weeks into its full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Russia has declared victory after liberating a community dance center near the country's eastern border.
































































 
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A comic roast of Chuck Norris held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas last night resembled more of a love-fest of the legendary action star, disappointed audience members reported.































































 
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With Vladimir Putin's ill-conceived invasion of the Ukraine grinding to a halt, the mounting pressure from his army's inability to achieve its objectives and stifling international sanctions will most likely induce him to overturn the global chessboard and slam the red button.
































































 
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Quickly filling the void left by Western restaurant chains who have ceased operations in the wake of Russia's invasion of Ukraine, a new Moscow eatery has begun drawing crowds reminiscent of the arrival of McDonalds in 1990.
































































 
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Vladimir Putin's wife announced today that she is launching a new campaign to combat bullying throughout Russia.
































































 
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As Ukrainians continue to flee their country westward into Poland and Southward into Romania, millions more around the world have more astutely begun to try to escape downward into the Earth, digging with whatever implements they have in a desperate but futile bid to escape the imminent nuclear destruction of the planet.

Emboldened by the relaxation of COVID restrictions across the country, Canadian truckers have added to their list of demands changes to provincial DUI laws and a guarantee from NATO to never expand into Ukraine before they will agree to end blockades currently choking Ottawa and several key bridges into the United States.

Already facing condemnation for spreading misinformation about COVID-19 and its vaccines, podcaster Joe Rogan sparked new controversy today for lending his platform to a man claiming diabetes is not a real disease.
































































 
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Edging out ice fishing juggernauts Norway and Canada, which took home silver and bronze, the Estonians victory was secured when Urmas Kaljend hooked a 50-pound pike in the fourth drill.
































































 
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While tensions continue to mount on the Belarussian border with Ukraine, any potential invasion by Russian troops was likely postponed weeks today after the Ukrainian government issued an edict requiring travelers to show proof of a negative COVID-19 molecular test prior to entering the country.
































































 
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Following other such iconic digital assets as Gentleman Giraffe and Flying Koala Bear with Laser Beams Shooting from Her Eyes deeper into the red, the failure of major support levels in the NFT market could signal that its investors might need to start searching for real jobs again.
































































 
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Traveling at approximately 75,000 kilometers-per-hour, the asteroid could have brought an end to all life on earth, scientists say, a potential it failed to live up to when it missed the planet by over a million miles.
































































 
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