WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential frontrunner and pumpkin-hued billionaire Donald Trump announced he was relaunching Trump University with the mission of teaching American women their place. Senior political observers characterized Trump's move as the candidate's way of apologizing for saying American women should be punished if they have an abortion.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton confessed she pitied supporters of Bernie Sanders, because they knew her record and were aware of what kind of president she would be. Clinton declared it was better for Sanders supporters to be blissfully ignorant of how she would betray them and work tirelessly to repay her rich donors.
Secretary Clinton continued, "I won't stop wealth from being redistributed from the poorest to the richest. I won't regulate industries my major donors work in. There will be more drilling for oil, no meaningful regulation of Wall Street, and I am a hawk that will wage perpetual war for my war-profiteer friends."
Conservative think tank Word Harder, America says the government paying for public college is bad for the economy.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and orange billionaire Donald Trump confirmed he had sent naked pictures of himself to Heidi Cruz, who is the wife of his main Republican rival U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. Trump claimed he sent Heidi Cruz naked pictures of himself as a peace offering following a Twitter feud with Ted Cruz, and because he loves women.
CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE (The Nil Admirari) - A group of conservative Christian leaders announced the founding of a group called the Totally-Not-Gay Christian Leaders of America (TNGCLA) today. The nonprofit organization's primary mission will be to fight the gay civil rights movement while making it clear to everyone none of its upstanding members are gay.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the U.S. Department of State reported a 300,000% surge in new passport applications. The State Department attributed the surge to the increasingly likely presidential matchup between former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and current xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republicans declared the American embargo on Cuba would only be lifted if the Cuban government improved its record on human rights. Boasting the United States and its allies cherished such rights, Republicans demanded Cuba rise to Saudia Arabia's human rights record.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised her rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont he could have all of his progressive political positions back after she won the primary. Clinton confessed she considered her theft of Bernie's policy stances a politically expedient short-term loan.