... PlatinumSachs CEO Maximilian "Moneybags" Goldsucker, whom Clinton claimed she wrestled to the ground only seconds after the American economic crisis in 2008, does not exist.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accused U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her sole Democratic rival - of sexism for his conduct in last night's debate in Flint, Michigan. Clinton asserted Sanders' refusal to allow her to interrupt him while he was speaking showed him to be an unabashed sexist.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - In a shocking move today, Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont doubled down on his decision to continue his campaign for the presidency after a crushing loss in South Carolina to his rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Sanders baffled political experts by remaining in the Democratic presidential primary even though there were only 46 primary states remaining.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a number of Republicans demanded President Obama and his family vacate the White House so the residence could be prepared for the next president. Republicans asserted the whole interior of the White House needed to be repainted, among other things, and such tasks would be much easier if the Obamas were no longer living there.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she had locked the support of 1 billion superdelegates, and demanded U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont concede. Both Clinton and Sanders remain tied at 51 actual delegates - based on actual voting - less than a week before the Democratic presidential primary election in South Carolina.
BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media declared he was angry at the United States Postal Service (USPS) for losing money every year by sending him sales flyers without charging the businesses that make them. Thomas Basil - a Republican, construction worker, and married father of two - loudly derided the Post Office for imagined slights against him and his fellow Americans, and completely ignored the actual causes of the organization's financial problems.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, far-right radio personalities claimed the death of Justice Antonin Scalia was part of an elaborate plan concocted by the White House to appoint a liberal replacement to the Supreme Court. The notable far-right rabble rousers asserted Scalia was assassinated by a government-brainwashed bald eagle, which stealthily entered Scalia's room, suffocated him with his own pillow, and hastily flew back outside to freedom.