Phoenix, AZ – “It’s the most irresponsible and heinous act that I’ve witnessed in my 20 years on the force,” explains Sergeant David Willingham.  “I’m no court judge but the owners of this car and beautiful AR-15 should be locked up with the key thrown away.  If there was intent, I can only pray that the death penalty is explored as an option for punishment.”

"So many of our reporters cut their teeth on American gun violence," said an angry CNN V.P. "How the hell are we supposed to fill air time??"

Hollywood stars complain at being ignored by Islamic terrorists, disgraced weatherman's x-rated forecasts and Mel Gibson - at least he's not a scientologist! All the top completely made up gossip.

David Cameron plans to adopt India’s caste system in the UK to bring the country more in line with the Victorian era.

STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Jerry Springer, the host of The Jerry Springer Show and former Democratic mayor of Cincinnati, announced he was changing parties so he could run for the Republican presidential nomination. Springer said he was running to "add some civility and decorum" to the Republican field of candidates, which he described as "lying Neanderthal clowns."

The utterance heard 'round the world points to a common female language of being grossed out.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced today he had kidnapped billionaire David Koch, and was demanding a large amount of money from billionaire Charles Koch to get his brother back. Trump claimed the kidnapping was in response to being snubbed by the infamous Koch brothers, who did not invite him to Dana Point, California this past weekend where about 450 very wealthy conservative donors gathered by the Kochs met with five other Republican presidential candidates.

NEW YORK CITY--Sean Hannity, host of the Fox News program Hannity, shocked his legions of fans today when he revealed that he has been diagnosed with an extremely rare and chronic form of stupidity.  Hannity said the stupidity was at such an advanced stage when it was discovered that there is very little that can…

"Mexico Is Magic!" -- a suggested ad campaign by Uncle Sam -- may convince illegal immigrants it's time to go home

MANSFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a second grade student named Benjamin Boom earned a sticker for correctly interpreting the Second Amendment by acknowledging the "militia" referenced in the amendment. The Mansfield, Massachusetts pupil cited conservative Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren E. Burger, who called the argument that private citizens have the right to bear arms "a fraud."

Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose will take part in a live televised sex foursome to bury the hatchet and make peace.

The NFL season gets underway tomorrow, which means that superfans all over the country will be scrambling to set their lineups for the virtual gridiron. In what is usually a simple game, some leagues are adding in a new scoring option that might make the fantasy football season a little more interesting.

PROVO, UT — Provo Times-Union columnist Jeff Dailey wrote an undeniably terrible column about Cam Newton following Super…

DALLAS, Texas (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - American Airlines (AA) accidently sent the wrong plane across the ocean from Los Angeles to Hawaii, a company spokesman confirmed to AFP Sunday. In the August 31 incident first reported by transportation blogger Brian Sumers, the plane made it safely to Honolulu despite the error. American Airlines spokesman Casey Norton said…

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee announced the Confederate States of America never officially surrendered during the Civil War and still existed. Huckabee's declaration followed his assertion earlier in the week the Supreme Court's 1857 Dred Scott ruling remained "the law of the land" in a sophomoric comparison to the Supreme Court's recent ruling legalizing same-sex marriage.

Communist candidate for president Bernie Sanders called for a ban on Thanksgiving today, disparaging America's most solemn and cherished of traditions.

Captioning a photo of three fish tacos, Sloan, who recently purchased several firearms, including an AR-15 assault rifle and several hundred rounds of ammunition at a gun show, wrote: "Fish tacos from Mariscos Mi Gusto. Yum."

HADES, Nebraska--Calling it an "incredible find," Satan today described the elation he felt when he first inspected his latest acquisition, the soul of Texas Senator Ted Cruz. "Absolutely mint condition," the Prince of Darkness gushed, "I knew it hadn't seen much use, but I never dreamed it had never even been taken out of the…

Washington – After yet another senseless act of violence left 10 people dead and many more injured in the sleepy town of Roseburg, President Obama was hyper critical of both political parties, Presidential hopefuls, and potential killers everywhere.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study regarding guns being used for personal protection was released. The data concluded most Americans were not important enough to have to worry about ever using a gun for self-defense, and discovered most Americans who believed they needed a gun for self-defense had poor reasoning skills, overestimated their importance, and were suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.