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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Headlines - 02/26/2015

World's Wisest Owl

From movies to Jihad, nothing sells better than sex...

Humor Times

Sen. Mitch McConnell said the new science-banning Senate bill will be ready for a vote "within a couple days, by my sundial." By James Israel, Humor Times.

The Adobo Chronicles

It is currently in the Number 9 spot.

The Red Shtick

What red-blooded American man doesn't enjoy seeing a bunch of fit women in yoga pants waiting for coffee at Starbucks? Montana state Rep. David Moore. That's who.

The World's Voice of Reason

You are surrounded by people who know nothing, who make promises they have no intention of keeping and talk about you unfavorably whenever you are out of ear shot. It's time to get back at these timewaster-losers. Make this month the I will do it my way and I'll be damned if I am gonna listen to any jerk with a stupid idea month.

News Mutiny

ISIS leader Ahmad Al-Brijawi's Twitter feed is nothing but pictures of mutilated kittens, many of those who have visited his page complain.

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