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NFL Star's Deal Inspires New York Jock Exchange

According to the Associated Press, Fantex plans to conduct an initial public offering of stock (Wall Street wheeler-dealers call this an IPO) after getting regulatory approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission, selling some 421,100 shares of stock at $10 apiece.

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Why Men Take So Long To Tie Our Own Shoes

Though I'm pretty confident with my skill to tie my shoes, at a brisk pace, I understand there are other places in the home where I might look around helplessly, stunned, as if someone asked me to quickly calculate the area under the curve of the Liberty Bell, whereas I've only been asked to locate the large, white, gallon milk jug in the refrigerator.

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Report Confirms Fingers All You Need to Type on Keyboard

The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him.

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Scientists Hard At Work Creating Monologues for New Lab-Grown Vaginas

With the advent of the first-ever vagina created in a lab, scientists are working around the clock to write appropriate monologues for the high-tech body part. One scientist on the project admitted, 'I didn't go into science to engage in creative writing, but my colleagues and I feel it is incumbent upon us to provide women who receive our synthetic vagina the same quality of monologues that other women enjoy.'

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Procrastination Not Covered Under Affordable Care Act

According to most psychologists, the underlying causes of procrastination are largely mental, and as such, are not covered under most major medical insurance or even standard health insurance policies. Unless, of course, you can prove that the procrastination caused a stress-related illness, such as a severe case of hives or even a nervous tic.

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Headlines - 04/17/2014

The World's Voice of Reason

Windows XP, which Microsoft stopped supporting last week, is still working for many of its users, it has been revealed.

We asked our readers to write in if Windows XP did anything funny:

"My Windows XP screen went all green last Friday. Luckily we were having a dress-down 70s theme in the office so it fitted right in! Well done Microsoft - brilliant operating system!" PP

The Newsosphere

Lego and Travelerís Tales, the company who makes the Lego video games, are both planning to use a series of classic movies by director Martin Scorsese for their next franchise.

Humor Times

Damndest thing I ever saw.

NewsBiscuit

The review, by the Pevensie family of Finchley, complains of awful weather, rude talking animals and poor quality Turkish Delight.

Iron E-News

Against his will, a local youth is denied basic technological needs and tortured with words.

The Adobo Chronicles

In the U.S., the First Family will host the 136th annual White House Easter Egg Roll on April 21 which is expected to draw 30,000 people to the South Lawn of the presidential residence. Those in luck will be able to take home keepsake eggs in bold colors stamped with the signatures of President and Mrs. Barack Obama.

The Red Shtick

A noisy pooch took home an Adult Video News Award for his performance in an adult film scene in which he didnít even appear.

News Mutiny

Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 will soar into a second season on CNN.

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