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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Headlines - 09/18/2014

The Adobo Chronicles

The new law was recently signed by Governor Jerry Brown and went into effect Tuesday, September 16.

CAP News

Not only that, but West also went around and knocked over all the gravestones so the corpses would be forced to stand on their own with nothing to lean against.

The Dandy Goat

On Thursday, voters in Scotland will decide if they wish to remain part of the United Kingdom. What is British prime minister David Cameron offering in a last-ditch effort to secure a vote against Scottish independence?

mouthfrog

Damn. I wish my boss was as creative and brilliant as Roger Goodell. Just when we all thought this problem could only get worse, one move my Goodell whitewashes it all. The man is a genius.

The World's Voice of Reason

Scotland, Near England: A shocking picture has emerged with Gordon Brown wearing the 'No Thanks' logo as if they were Mickey Mouse ears.

The Red Shtick

The #NFL season has barely begun, and already, my team is decimated. And not from injuries. Well, at least not from injuries suffered by the players on my team.

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