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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Headlines - 10/24/2014

The World's Voice of Reason

"After a few beers I can do the same. But I generally have spilled the beer by the bottom."

CAP News

The study found that most zombies do not eat the recommended daily amounts of brains and other proteins, creating a new at-risk minority population in the U.S.

The Dandy Goat

SAN FRANCISCO — Saying they don’t usually take in educated white liberal types, the editors at #Salon are going to make an exception by giving Austin-based blogger Jason Kirkpatrick one chance, and one chance only.

The Red Shtick

Each of us is given our comeuppance. Sometimes more than once. Mine comes in a simple form: Spanish. Try as I might, and boy do I try, the language eludes me.

The Adobo Chronicles

San Francisco radio stations are banning the Grammy Award-winning song from the airwaves in solidarity with their home team in the World Series.

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