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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Headlines - 12/18/2014

The Adobo Chronicles

It's genetic and skin-deep, Standford University reearchers say.

The Red Shtick

Louisiana State Police have acquired a dozen unmanned aerial vehicles capable of spotting and identifying gay people from over a mile away.

CAP News

The case drew widespread media attention and even prompted a "Save The Gingerbread Man" group on Facebook for people who felt he was being unfairly persecuted.

mouthfrog

"He had this great way of introducing himself by saying ‘Hey, Hey, Hey!” Kind of like Fat Albert but different. You know?"

Wear Your Cape

Could there be more merriment packed into one evening's entertainment? We think not!

Broken World News

Thus began a long and brilliant career. #Cheney #TortureReport

The Dandy Goat

A woman previously regarded as a glamorous Hollywood star has been revealed as a fraud and a phony after she was forced to admit that she is nothing more than a host for the varicella-zoster virus.

The World's Voice of Reason

Poundland is getting into all sorts of scrapes this year after it was discovered that the foreigners who make their stuff and who can't speak any English can't seem to spell Merry Christmas either.

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