WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the White House received a letter from its enemy the Islamic State expressing the Islamic extremist group's gratitude for additional American military equipment, which it had easily captured from the fleeing Iraqi military. President Obama quickly responded to the letter of thanks from the Islamic State by warning Iraq "the arms gift shop is closed until Iraqis stop regifting American weapons of war to the Islamic State."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Obama Administration announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal President Obama intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to unknowingly purchase poisonous food. The White House explained companies located in other TPP nations will be able to sue the United States for having higher food safety standards, and force their poisonous food into the American market by citing "unfair protection of consumers."

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana (The Adobo Chronicles) - Conceding that this is not his time to be president of the United States, Louisiana Governor Bobby (Piyush) Jindal today announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. His campaign strategy since he ran for governor has always been to project himself as a…

Mr. Earnest painted a picture of the three highest officials in U.S. government "staring helplessly into their closets" as time ticked away for any of the three to make it in time to join other major world leaders in displaying solidarity against the horrific attacks.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Nine bicyclists were critically offended and dozens more were irked after a confrontation at a downtown Austin restaurant led to a slew of insults being fired.

"This is a very distressing finding with a potentially major impact on our tourism industry and our very quality of life overall," said Rolf Jonsson, a member of the Riksdag. "Sweden prides itself on a high standard of living and needs to take a very serious look at what has happened here."

A year-long probe into the murky world of youth soccer has led to the arrest of more than a dozen hyper-involved moms.

THE NORTH POLE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Happy Holidays faction in the War on Christmas launched a surprise attack on the North Pole headquarters of the Merry Christmas faction. Heavy damage was done to Merry Christmas Headquarters by the Happy Holidays strike force, which breached the walls and forced its captives to play with dreidels, sit around a Festivus Pole and perform both the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, and wear Happy New Year hats and blow on similarly marked noisemakers.

Jeremy, Sunny, and Brian Haldane tackle Caitlyn Jenner, Louisiana's Clickbait Channel, WBRZ's Brett "Buffy the Corruption Slayer" Buffington, and a rosaceous sex tape extortionist.

"The Department of Reality wants a plan that clearly shows how the Middle East is not completely destabilized by the reintroduction of large numbers of American ground forces. We know both ISIS and Syrian President Assad will be targeted, and also believe Iran will be next," stated Secretary of Reality Horace Green.

In what is becoming an eerily regular occurrence, armed gunmen injured and killed dozens of innocent citizens in California today for no apparent reason.

President Barack Obama and U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz: How well can you distinguish between these two political polar opposites?

Saying he’s been eyeing the country for a long time but was waiting for its appraised value to drop, business mogul Donald Trump had placed a record-breaking bid for the purchase of the United States.

U.S. Army and Marine units have been using their drones in airborne cock fights, to settle rivalries and bets. And no one is complaining.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (The Adobo Chronicles®) - Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry characterized the recent shooting in Charleston as an "accident" during an interview on Friday, accusing President Obama of using the massacre, which claimed nine lives, as a pretext for pushing a gun control agenda. "This is the MO of this administration anytime there is…

SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles ® )  - The City and County of San Francisco is trying its best to rid itself of the reputation of being one of the places in the U.S. with the most expensive rent, what with the monthly apartment rent averaging in excess of $4,000. As more and more high-rise condominiums…

Alone and penniless for the first time, Fatima Bin Laden was forced to leave Pakistan last year and find work in her home country of Saudi Arabia after US Navy SEALS put an end to her husband Osama’s career as a world reknown terrorist.

Pranksters and protesters around the world are waiting with bated breath for a decision by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) on whether or not glitter-bombing will become an official Olympic sport. But government officials around the world aren't exactly beaming with excitement, mostly because of the clean-up costs.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - In an emergency session, and while they're hot in their pursuit of rewriting what is right and wrong in our society, the Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that people of one race can change races on a whim. The case was brought about from the Rachel Dolezal case.

Supreme Court justice feeling much more like his old self again.