Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom,

I saw on the news last night that Walmart is going to start doing breast implants.

I know that breast implants use saline pouches, and that saline is just another name for salt water.

Do you think anyone has tried to corner the market on salt water by buying up a lot of stock?

I think that we could get ourselves rich doing this!

Lefty Schwartz Flyspit, Georgia

According to the UN (and other programs all over the globe), people no longer feel the desire to eat; or really do anything except stare at Bey.

New York City, NY –

Hillary Clinton excuse number 74 (we know you’ve been counting) as to why her 2016 presidential campaign imploded during voting and underdog Donald Trump won….The new excuse that has people’s heads churning even more in disbelief is…Her lack of a male heir.

Olympic City
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – (SatireWorld.com)
The Brazilian Olympic Committee vows never to use scientist Stephen Hawkins again to promote the Olympics, especially what just happened prior to the 2016 Summer Games scheduled for Rio.

Backstabbing Institute of America – (satireworld.com)

Jane Fonda, long called Hanoi Jane by anyone who actually remembers the 60’s in anything other than a drugged out haze, has been voted the top American Traitor in an independent news poll. The results of the poll, which will air on a new reality series to be titled “America’s Biggest Traitor,” had Fonda beating out such other famous people as Benedict Arnold, the Rosenburgs, and Aldrich Ames.

Representative Zinke ready to decorate the shit out of stuff

The tweets of the 'tinfoiled hat man'.

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
NBC News (sic) announced that Chelsea Clinton, the only acknowledged child of former President Bill Clinton, and ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, had been hired as a special correspondent for the NBC News network.

Facing the prospect of falling out of the Little League World Series after losing their first two games by a combined score of 24-3, the boys from Clarksville, Tennessee did just that Tuesday, dropping their match-up with North Platte, Nebraska 13-0 and embarrassing themselves and the entire Volunteer State in the process.

We’re sad to report that there’s a dangerous game that teenagers have been playing called the “pull out challenge”.

"The aggressive cock sure always beat the passive do gooders. Unless you are Donny and Marie." Jessie Krufts, Pacifist

Safford, AZ- (satireworld.com)

The Federal Bureau of Prisons has released information that Jared Fogle, former Subway spokesman, has written and recorded several songs while serving in prison. Fogle is currently incarcerated in Safford, Arizona and is serving a sentence for having child pornography and for engaging in illicit sexual contact with underage women.

The head of the Louisiana Republican Party is actively urging Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell to resign from his job as majority leader of the U.S. Senate.

A conspiracy-minded green thumb insists malevolent forces are using common horticulture as a means of spying on the everyday activities of regular Americans.

During a news conference in which he insisted he had nothing to do with the recent hacking of Democratic National Committee emails, Donald Trump called on Russia this week to find Hillary Clinton’s 30,000 missing emails, drawing claims the Republican presidential nominee’s actions were treasonous.

Yes, we know it's an odd one. Bear with us. It's Saturday, all right?

The Prime Minster, Theresa May, has said the government is to spend some more time working on a poetic way to trigger Article 50.

The endorsement of Hillary Clinton by a former commander of U.S. Central Command has prompted Donald Trump to claim the retired four-star general is a “loser” for not figuring out a way to dodge his military obligations.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - In a shocking move today, Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont doubled down on his decision to continue his campaign for the presidency after a crushing loss in South Carolina to his rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Sanders baffled political experts by remaining in the Democratic presidential primary even though there were only 46 primary states remaining.

A federal judge this week released a local man who had been on death row for fourteen years after new evidence came to light showing that he was at the beach the entire time during the week of the murder.