"Flat footed varmint! GETOUTTAHERE!!! YAH!" Fred Flunkee, Varmint Catcher

Puppeteering duo Trey Parker and Matt Stone have announced that they are working on a sequel to their 2004 cult smash “Team America: World Police.”

Local gun owner Frank Chance successfully defended his home against a kitten last night, shooting the five month-old Tabby with a 12-gauge shotgun.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, climate change scientists reframed their argument to appeal to Republicans by releasing "Oceans Invading U.S," a new documentary film warning Americans about a slow, insidious invasion of American soil by tyrannical oceans that surround the United States. TNA viewed the 10-minute film, which asserted, "true patriots must defend America by starving the communist-fascist oceans of an anti-American, possibly Muslim, substance called carbon dioxide."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton proactively branded every American who refused to vote for her "a sexist." Clinton asserted if anyone disagreed with her on policy they were "likely a sexist," but any American who did not vote for her was "definitely a sexist."

Boulder, CO – Like many of us that have faced a valley in our career or our personal lives, Rick Santorum has been doing some soul searching.  

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush was widely criticized for his latest jobs plan failing to get presidential rival Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) back to work. Bush's plan was declared "a complete failure" by conservative and liberal observers alike for its exclusive reliance on guilt, and failure to give Rubio any incentives to get back to work.

Are Man's Trousers Haunted by Evil Spirit of Sex Offender? Exorcism Performed on Possessed Pantaloons Following Paranormal Phenomena in Groin Area, Including Ectoplasm and Bizarre Bulging!

I make it a rule never to argue with drunks. Not even when I'm drunk myself. But especially not when I'm sober - alcoholic intoxication impairs the ability

ARTISANAL PRESS — The United States Congress passed a motion during a special session this weekend, heretofore designating the popular deep-fried potato strips menu item in the Congressional cafeteria as “French fries.” The motion was intended as a display of solidarity with the people of France, following the recent terrorist attacks in Paris.

By now, my love, I am certain you have learned about our unfortunate setbacks on the petition signature front. Our brave leaders continue to tell us to fret not about that battle, insisting we shall prove victorious in that theater before next month draws to a close.

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man who identified himself as "a hugely patriotic American" accused President Obama of acting like Hitler for forcing states to take Syrian refugees fleeing from the Islamic State. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, subsequently told TNA he supported the idea of forcing Muslims in the United States to wear badges that identify them as Muslims - an idea endorsed by Republican presidential candidate and loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump.

Just when I thought May was going to breeze by without anything Horrorscope-worthy (Cinco de Mayo is overdone, Memorial Day is at the end, etc.), Louisiana state Rep. Mike Johnson swooped in with a fresh batch of ridiculous.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles) -  Last week, President Barack Obama banned the sale of certain military-style equipment to police departments. He also thinks that police officers should have "softer looking" uniforms, pointing out that cops are making things worse when they show up to inner city communities wearing military-style equipment and riot gear. Taking its…

A Baton Rouge resident is leading a one-man crusade to dampen threads of overwhelmingly positive comments with a single word that strikes the perfect balance between dickishness and disinterest.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) declared it was thankful for an American education system so broken and preoccupied by standardized testing it helped the Republican Party remain a viable political party. The RNC also claimed responsibility for the endless attacks on public education, which have effectively sabotaged efforts to create a well-informed citizenry.

Were Notorious Sex Fiends Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris the Result of Secret British Government Experiments? Top Scientist Claims Pair's Super Powers Allowed Them to Offend on Unprecedented Scale!

In all seriousness, today is a day we encourage our readers to donate to their favorite charities and raise awareness about HIV/AIDS (and avoid being deemed a "prick"). Don't know which one to choose? Check out the organizations that have been featured in Goodwink this year!

There’s always ‘some guy’ who has an opinion that chronicles how every person feels on a particular topic.  MouthFrog was able to speak with ‘some guy’ today who we believe fits that very description.  His name is not important.  In fact, he never volunteered his name and we never asked.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the conservative think tank Work Harder America released the results of a study on the collapse of the middle class in America. The study clearly showed the wealthy paying less in taxes had nothing to do with the disappearing middle class, which simply needed to work harder for the wealth to trickle down to it.