Take part in our brilliant Donald Trump sweepstakes as we guess what the probable Republican candidate for president will say next... Just print out and cut out each line and have fun

"All UFO abductions must be investigated"

"I will make Arnold Schwartzenegger illegal"

"Brillo Pads will be renamed Trump Pads in honor of my brilliant hairdo"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Yesterday, the White House confirmed reports that President Obama has been steadily increasing his daily consumption of alcohol since moving into the presidential residence in January 2009. Obama stated his alcohol intake has grown every day "just to deal with Republicans and their bullshit."

The Twittersphere blew up while fans watched Kaitlyn Bristowe, this season's Bachelorette, take hopeful future husband Nick Viall to her room for the night. But Viall, who was a disliked contestant on Season 10 of the show, seems to already have his eyes on another prize.

Jeremy White, Sunny Weathers, and Knick Moore chime in on the Confederate flag debate before discussing what happens to all penises of men who convert to Judaism.

PORTLAND, OR — The rules are simple. You pack up a bowl. You watch Citizen Kane. And every time someone says “rosebud,” you take a hit.

Every year, ESPN The Magazine pays tribute to the sculpted bodies of the athletic world in their "The Body Issue." And this year, they're adding one more special edition issue to the mix with their "Offensive Linemen Edition," due out in September.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Supreme Court Justices Anthony M. Kennedy and Antonin Scalia threw punches at each other earlier today. The brief fistfight between the two erupted in the Court Chamber and involved the Court's 5-4 decision on Obergefell v. Hodges, which effective legalized gay marriage across the country.

A formerly beloved celebrity activist and one of social media’s most popular figures, George Takei, has turned to the dark side, it has been declared.

Lowell, MA – Becky and Mark Dodd got married last December.  As they wait for their one year anniversary, they find themselves in marriage counseling.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The Pentagon announced today a new Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter had lost over a dozen dogfights to a 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane. The June 18th engagements showed the World War I-era Sopwith Camel exhibited "superior maneuverability and fighting aptitude" compared to its F-35 opponent.

After transcripts went public from a 2005 deposition that shows Bill Cosby admitting to using quaalude on women so he could have sex with them, his PR team announced today that he plans to use the publicity to promote his new movie, "Quaalude to a Kiss."

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)

Former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State verified her frigid condition to the world with her latest lawsuit. The potential Presidential candidate spilled a twenty-two degree McDonald’s milkshake in her lap and sued the fast food chain because of the burns that she suffered.

NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Barbed Wire) - Following Hillary Clinton's recent interview with CNN's Brianna Keilar, the Democratic candidate faced many of the same criticisms that have plagued her during her entire time in public life - The woman is just not warm, personable, and relatable, but rather a cold, calculating, conniving, power hungry witch.

We're asking our readers to donate their unwanted adult DVDs and Videos to our annual appeal for needy perverts this Winterval. Please give generously and rest assured that your smut will go to a good home.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Koch brothers' puppet Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) announced his candidacy to destroy America's economy by using the same failed trickle-down economic policies he has employed in Wisconsin. Walker's announcement was largely overshadowed by the unfolding debt crisis in Greece, which Walker promised would pale in comparison to what he intended to do to the global economy.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas both claimed to be the person who wanted to curb the most civil liberties. The two privately conceded it was critical for the eventual Republican presidential nominee to secure the block of conservative voters that routinely claimed a Democratic president was taking their freedoms away, but enthusiastically volunteered their freedoms to a Republican president while caught up in a nationalistic fervor.

Planned Parenthood is issuing a nationwide recall of all parts purchased in the last ten years, admitting that they pose a serious public relations threat.

IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee unveiled his "Boys Will Be Boys" platform today. Huckabee's platform touts his moral superiority and excuses murder, rape, and a whole host of other crimes if a male offender claims to be a Christian, but brings down the full force of the law for women, religious minorities, and members of the LGBT community.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was ready to serve in the Vietnam War. Trump said he received several deferments from the war for being too young to be command-in chief, but he has always had a strategy to win the Vietnam War and promised to share it only after he was elected president.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans announced they would use American tax dollars to build new schools when the buildings could be dropped on people and explode. Republicans were unwilling to even discuss funding the construction of any new schools until they could meet the needs of perpetual war.