NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street released a statement to the American people urging them "to invest every last penny they could find in the stock market." The Wall Street proclamation promised Americans the stock market was "completely solid and not grossly overvalued due to market manipulation," and that it would "never go down in value."

The worst fears of Second Amendment defenders will come true in late 2022, or nearly six years after President Barack Obama is constitutionally obligated to vacate the office, according to a Washington Times investigative report.

Cupertino, CA –  Tim Cook grinned as he signed off on the 2016 plan for Apple Corporation.  He pulled out his $2000 dollar pen and scribbled his signature and agreement to the plan of making a shitload more money in the coming year.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden announced he would not run to be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2016. Biden cited a phone call "from some great friends on Wall Street," who told him former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had already won the Democratic Party's contest to be Wall Street's puppet in the White House.

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Around noon today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson compared his lunch salad to slavery. The midday meal complaint followed Carson's increasingly common pattern of comparing things he disliked to slavery.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) officially lost the Republican contest to not be Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. Speaker Ryan garnered 236 votes to succeed John Boehner (R-OH-01), and declared his defeat to what he described as "one of the most shameful American legislative bodies in our history" prior to threatening all of America with what was to come.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the real purpose of Area 51 was to house his original brain, and a colony of Sasquatches. Carson's statement followed his declaration earlier in the week he still believed the true purpose of the pyramids in Egypt was to store grain.

Biloxi, MS –  It all went down at a small Piccadilly Cafeteria in Biloxi.  All the food sat in the back room freezer waiting to get the call to the microwaves and the food lines before human consumption.

It's almost as if Jindalbot has been reprogrammed to say the stupidest things a sitting governor — yes, even one from Louisiana — can say.

Knick Moore offers a famously crappy father for each zodiac sign to help you appreciate your pop that much more this Father's Day.

Kim Jong-chul, older brother of Kim Jong-un, is North Korea's No. 1 'Swiftie,' and attended a Taylor Swift concert in England. By John Glynn, Humor Times.

CUPERTINO, CA (The Barbed Wire) - At Monday's Apple developers convention, a new function of the Apple Watch was announced that could let the world in on a dirty little secret - should the information ever go public. The Apple Watch, a device that will eventually perform so many functions and will know so much about us that it will become the closest thing to a deity that most people have ever known, will actually track and record a user’s masturbation schedule, frequency, intensity, and location.

BEJING (TheSkunk.org) — The recent hacking by China into a US government employee database has allowed Chinese officials to utilize stolen credit card information to make miscellaneous purchases of merchandise, running up a tab well into the tens of millions of dollars.

40 years ago, the Golden State Warriors won the NBA Championship. Since then, much has changed, except their uniforms. After clinching their first NBA title since 1975 in Game 6 last night in Cleveland, Mead Corporation CEO John A. Luke, Jr. immediately called the Warriors' executive office and offered a seven-figure sponsorship to the organization, stating that he plans to bring back their Pee-Chee brand for the team.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced his plan to turn the United States into a merciless Christian theocracy. Cruz called his new platform "Make America a Christian Iran," but informed Americans the Christian dictatorship he imagined for America could also be compared to the brutal Islamic regime in Saudi Arabia.

Take part in our brilliant Donald Trump sweepstakes as we guess what the probable Republican candidate for president will say next... Just print out and cut out each line and have fun

"All UFO abductions must be investigated"

"I will make Arnold Schwartzenegger illegal"

"Brillo Pads will be renamed Trump Pads in honor of my brilliant hairdo"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Yesterday, the White House confirmed reports that President Obama has been steadily increasing his daily consumption of alcohol since moving into the presidential residence in January 2009. Obama stated his alcohol intake has grown every day "just to deal with Republicans and their bullshit."

The Twittersphere blew up while fans watched Kaitlyn Bristowe, this season's Bachelorette, take hopeful future husband Nick Viall to her room for the night. But Viall, who was a disliked contestant on Season 10 of the show, seems to already have his eyes on another prize.

Jeremy White, Sunny Weathers, and Knick Moore chime in on the Confederate flag debate before discussing what happens to all penises of men who convert to Judaism.

PORTLAND, OR — The rules are simple. You pack up a bowl. You watch Citizen Kane. And every time someone says “rosebud,” you take a hit.