"Shame the black guy with a similar YouTube channel was shot dead by the police for that though. It looks sooo much like a gun..." Jessie Krufts, Police Commissioner

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican National Committee announced today it will be having all of its presidential candidates compete with each other to see who can make a child of illegal immigrants cry the fastest. The competition will be named "Only the Republican Who Makes a Child of Illegal Immigrant Parents Cry Fastest Can Truly Protect America," and will take place at 9pm EST on Thursday, August 20th near the El Paso, Texas border crossing.

ATLANTA (The Barbed Wire) - It's only been a couple of days since the SyFy channel aired the latest installment in the Sharknado franchise, but already plot details about the next incarnation of the show are emerging online. The highlight of the latest episode was getting to see disgraced politician Anthony Weiner.

New York, NY – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has faced the embarrassing wrath of a heckler more than a few times in past months. The controversial billionaire is seeking the White House as his newest mansion and acquisition.  

DALLAS, Texas (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The governing body of the Boy Scouts of America voted Monday to end its decades-long ban on gay scout leaders. The organization's national executive board, meeting in Texas, concluded that the policy of excluding gay adults "was no longer legally defensible."  While the national ban is gone, local scouting units…

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - After just ten days since his sold-out concert in Manila, Grammy Award-winning singer Chris Brown has been invited back to the Philippines. Brown is currently in Israel as part of his concert tour. The unprecedented invitation came from no less than Leila De Lima, Secretary of the Philippines'…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, civically-challenged Americans across the country announced they were looking forward to Planned Parenthood being defunded after highly edited and deceptive videos were released making it appear the organization was profiting from the sale of aborted fetuses. Not only has this group of conservative and anti-choice Americans ignored the fact fetal tissue is used for critical medical research to combat diseases like ALS, but it also believed a Senate vote expected as early as Monday would defund Planned Parenthood all on its own and forever.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News announced Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie will stand next to each other during Thursday's debate hosted by the network. The announcement met with condemnation from the eight other participating Republican candidates, as it broke the debate rule stating candidates would be positioned based on their national poll numbers.

Lead poisoning in the water didn't do it. Running out of fresh water to distribute didn't do it. But the Governor is optimistic that the new outbreak of Legionnaires' disease "will make it happen."

CUPERTINO, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - It's that time of year when Apple takes center stage to unveil its latest version of its products.  As expected, all eyes will be on the new iPhone 6S. Apple will likely hold a media event  on September 9, according to BuzzFeed News. Apple hasn't sent out invitations just yet,…

"I bet $1 Donald Trump would approve of that." Kent Rugby, Political Commentator

"I realize this kind of thing has happened hundreds of times before," the Sgt. said, "but somehow I never thought that if I posted something racist it would be perceived in the only way it could possibly be perceived."

Ben Carson - the walking myth.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced his presidency would be a continuation of his brother George W. Bush's presidency in that he would send ground troops back to Iraq, reinstate torture in violation of American and international law, and make every other mistake made by his brother and more. Jeb promised Americans to ignore all of "the allegedly negative consequences" of his brother's presidency, and vowed to return America to "the golden age" of George W. Bush.

"My look is called 'Singing Barber Of The 1930s.'" Fred Flunkee, Retired Bargain Bin Man

Expanding upon his recent observation that “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters,” likely GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump added today that if the people he shot were Muslims and Mexicans, he would probably even gain voters.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he was doubling his protective detail in his home state. The move followed thousands of threats made by New Jersey citizens to "tar and feather" Christie then "run him out of town on a rail."

The Segway cameraman who controversially managed to catch up with the world's fastest man Usain Bolt from behind, has not had his booking to cover the next G8 meeting of world leaders cancelled, we have been told.

Using a megaphone to command supporters to join him in a butt-shaking dance called the “Trump Bump,” presidential candidate Donald Trump did a victory lap in a golden chariot, just minutes after it became apparent that he had overwhelmed his opponents in New Hampshire’s Republican primary.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama sent his annual message to Congressional Republicans asking them "not to shut down the government again." Obama's handwritten letter explained to Republicans they had control of both chambers of Congress, so they needed to "get their act together, stop being drama queens, and pass some bills that actually have a chance of being signed by me."